Learn to Be Lonely P.3 Lonely are the Brave

Every synapse, every nerve ending, every single inch of the left side of her body was acutely aware of Jason’s presence. They’d been sitting side-by-side at their desk, hard at work for  near an hour now. They had made casual conversation for a little while, but had eventually drifted into an uncomfortable silence, each concentrating on their own work. Or trying to. Reyna knew that Jason was trying just as hard not to think about Reyna as Reyna was about Jason.

  A permit for the construction of a café in New Rome stared up at Reyna. She frowned. It seemed like the words scrawled across the sheet of paper were purposefully making themselves incomprehensible for her, only deepening her distracted state. She only ever had a problem reading when Jason was sitting silently next to her.

  He had a very demanding presence, which had nothing to do with his being praetor. When he walked into a room, everyone noticed. He commanded respect. Though Jason was aloof at times—a curse that came with being at the top of the pyramid—he was also friendly and personable, kind and understanding with the new recruits, and willing to help anyone who was in need. Reyna always admired those qualities in him.

  When she’d first arrived at camp, she’d had a hard time trying not to be intimidated by him. He’d been at Camp Jupiter longer than anyone else and was already a centurion, working hard to get the Fifth Cohort out of its rut. Reyna knew that he’d never seen her as anything more than a competitor from the moment she joined the cohort as a daughter of Bellona.

  But that changed when they were elected praetors. Suddenly they weren’t competing, they had to work together for the good of the camp. It was difficult at first and neither of them had much experience, but they learned to lean on each other—

  Jason cleared his throat and Reyna snapped out of the memories. A blush crept onto her cheeks, and she only blushed harder when she realized she had no reason to be embarrassed. Gods, why did Jason have to make her so flustered?

  He slapped his pen down on the table in frustration, making Reyna jump. One of the automaton dogs, Aurum, lifted his scintillating gold head in response and barked once, questioningly.

  Jason reached down and patted the dog’s head, who, reassured, relaxed once again under the table.

  “Something wrong?” Reyna asked, feigning profound interest in the construction permit.

  The sound of fingers tapping impatiently on the table reached her ears. “If I’d known this job was so much paperwork, I’d never have taken it.” He stood up quickly, nearly sending the greyhounds into another frenzy. “It’s frustrating, all these politics, you know? And then Octavian… gods, I think the only good thing that came out of this was getting closer to you.”

  For a brief second, silence descended over the room as Jason seemed to realize the gravity of what he’d said. His face began to redden and he turned away.

  Seeing an opportunity to finally get him to admit his feelings, Reyna jumped at the chance. She stood up and moved closer to him. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, I… well, I misjudged you, I think. I always used to assume you were way too competitive and ambitious, and now…”

  “Now?” she asked softly, afraid any sudden movements or loud noises would send him backtracking.

  “Now, I see that you’re… strong, and a great leader, and…” He hunted uselessly for the right word, eventually giving up.

  “I like you, too, Jason,” Reyna whispered.

  One terrifying moment of silence made Reyna wonder if she’d been wrong. Jason wouldn’t look at her. What she could see of his face looked shocked.

  “Forget it,” she said quickly, trying to hide the quiver in her voice. She fought back embarrassed tears with a nervous laugh. “Forget I said anything.”

  As she returned to her seat, Jason grabbed her hand. Warmth shot up her arm to her heart, sending it pounding out of her control.

  “Reyna.”

  Jason said nothing else; he didn’t need to. He pulled her closer and tangled one hand in her thick, brown curls. Her heart pounded even harder, if that was possible. She’d never been kissed before… what if she wasn’t any good at it?

  But Jason was gentle and tentative, his arms around Reyna were reassuring, and his lips were warm and alive. The sensation sent Reyna’s head spinning, filled with sweet intoxication. She didn’t want it to end, but some part of her decided it was better to keep him wanting more. She pulled away and bit her lip, trying to control a grin.

  Jason seemed to be doing the same. “You don’t know how long I’ve been trying to work up the courage to do that,” he laughed.

  “Am I that scary?” she joked.

  He leaned toward her again. “You have no idea.”



  Reyna opened her eyes slowly, reluctant to let go of one of her last memories of Jason. But the paperwork was piling up and there was a Senate meeting in an hour…

  She reached a shaky hand for her pen, but stopped when she noticed how blurry her vision was. A hot drop of liquid spilled onto her cheek, racing down her face. She caught it on her fingertip, holding it before her eyes as if trying to understand exactly what it was.

  Reyna was crying. She was crying because she had so much work to do and no one to help her do it. She was crying because her sister was hundreds of miles away and her mother was inaccessible and her father was dead. She was crying because Percy hand’t wanted to get close to her because he had a girlfriend he barely even remembered. But most of all she was crying because Jason was gone. Just when their relationship had started out, he had been cruelly stolen from her and his memory taken. When at last he was returned, memory restored, he came back with another girl and no interest in Reyna whatsoever.

  She had no friends. She was alone at the top, everyone looking to her with only respect and obedience. Everyone was too afraid of her power to try to befriend her. She was too strong, they thought, to need help. She didn’t need anyone, they said. More tears blurred her vision.

  “Feeling the pressure, Reyna?”

  She snapped her head up, all trace of self-pity vanishing at the sound of the augur’s voice. She stood. “Is there something you needed, Octavian?”

  He smiled wryly. “I just wanted to let you know that the Senate meeting is in five minutes. Seemed like you were pretty distracted… I thought you might want a reminder.”

  She frowned. Time had passed faster than she thought. “Thank you.”

  Octavian crossed his arms defiantly.

  “You can go now.”

  When finally he had disappeared, Reyna’s knees buckled and she sank shakily into her seat. She wasn’t sure she could handle this anymore. Sure the responsibilities were difficult to deal with, but it was the loneliness that crushed her every night when she stared up at the dark ceiling of her room. It was the loneliness that kept her company during the long work hours. It was the loneliness, not a friend, that asked if she was okay everytime she lost a soldier, or questioned if she was brave enough everytime she walked into battle.

  She’d seen a movie once called Lonely are the Brave and thought how true that title was. Or maybe the reverse made more sense, Brave are the Lonely. Being able to face the fact that you’d spend the rest of your life pulling yourself together and putting on a false smile took a fair amount of courage.

  Reyna steeled her nerves and began the trek to the Senate Building. She was so lost in thought that, halfway there, she nearly plowed into Leo Valdez, Camp Half-Blood’s ambassador to Camp Jupiter.

  “Whoa,” he laughed, nearly tripping over his toga in an attempt to keep both of them on their feet. “Sorry, your praetorness.”

  Reyna tried to avoid growling in annoyance. “It’s my fault,” she muttered, skirting around him. “I should look where I’m going.”

  She hurried on toward the meeting, praying Valdez wouldn’t say anything else, but sure enough, he did.

  “Reyna?” he called out, letting the distance between them lengthen a bit.

  She turned around and raised an eyebrow.

  A friendly and somewhat nervous smile spread across Leo’s lips. “You look beautiful today,” he stated plainly.

  Without waiting for her to react, he strode toward the meeting, head held high. Reyna watched him go, blushing in spite of herself. He’d surprised her, that was for sure—

  True to form, he tripped over his toga not five feet from the entrance to the Senate Building. Faster than lightning, he picked himself up out of the dirt, brushed himself off, and glanced back to make sure Reyna hadn’t seen that. He blushed when he saw that she indeed had seen it.

  She laughed lightly, her first genuine laugh in longer than she cared to remember.

  Maybe she wasn’t completely alone after all.